In that time I've had the most fun meeting new people from the OUT site, going to events...and enjoying time with a new partner. However...all recently all didn't go to plan, when things ended between my partner and I. Yes...it did feel like my world was going to end at the time, but then I had one last Ace to pull out from the deck of cards...and that was to have decent friends around me.
This entry in my blog isn't just about me returning to my usual ways of posting entertainment news, but to basically put my feelings down on here, and tell you how I got through what I thought was going to be the most difficult time of my life.
Maybe I've reached another growth point in my life where I've been able to successfully manage how long it takes me to get over a break up, but here are some points that I have implemented in my life...and who knows..it might help you..
- By all means, reflect on what you have lost! Just don't spend too much time doing it, because eventually it WILL drive you insane. Initially there will be the tears, then you will run through questions after questions to yourself as to what you did wrong, and end up blaming yourself. Then there will be the anger (this is when you begin to dig up everything that bothered you about them), and then after a while there will be clarity.
- Lean on your friends! This is a time when you find out who your true friends are. Those who literally will provide you a shoulder to cry on are the friends you can count on. Talk to them, listen to them, laugh with them.. That's right...don't feel guilty about laughing with them, even though you're feeling sad.. The best thing is to laugh as much as you can, and it's a true friend who will try to perk up your spirits. If you find yourself not having any friends, find a flat mate you get on with...or even your mum or sibling. They'll be there for you, so you're never totally alone.
- Run through ideas about how you're getting on, and even say the odd few out loud (when you're alone of course). Sometimes there can be so much going on in your head that you may find it hard to sift through all the negative questions, to get to the positive 'I'm moving on' thoughts. I definitely found that vocalising my thoughts out loud when I was alone helped me to get my head together, and after a couple of days..no longer was I thinking about how bad all this was, but I was now training myself to think of how the world still keeps spinning, and bills still need to be paid etc. The truth of the matter is..nothing stops because a break-up happens. If anything...the other person may already be content in getting on with their lives...and there's you..crying each night. It's at that point when you should be asking yourself...are they just as upset as you? Has their life stopped because they dumped you? To be honest..the majority of the time the answer is NO. So after going through what you have lost...think how you can now move forward. If you don't have friends on hand...then there's one thing you will need to do...and that's to start making some new friendships. Make a list of all the things you want to do, and give yourself a deadline. If some of those things involve making a change in your life then all the better, bacause a) it would make you feel good about yourself, and b) you'd be doing something positive about your life.
- Ask yourself..do you want them in your life at all? If it was you who was dumped, it is you makes the decision whether they're still in your life or not! This new life that you're going to create for yourself, do they fit in it? If not...you are under no obligation whatsoever to have them in it. If you dumped them, then it sounds like you've already made your choice..but there are those who genuinely want to have their ex in their lives, just on a friendship basis. This is fine...but ultimately it's not your choice to make. My advice here is if you're really not ready for friendship then don't say to the ex "Let's be friends."...because so many have heard it and this intention has never been followed through. I can see both sides of the coin here since I have a lot of experience in both roles...but it never ceases to amaze me to see the false promises people make to each other, believing that this will 'lessen the blow of a breakup'. The truth of the matter is that this will only make things worse, and rip apart any shred of friendship that could have been salvaged.
- Move on, and move up! I know..that makes me cringe when I hear it and say it. But there is an element of truth in it, but it's only effective when the person going through the breakup says it to themselves....not just once...but saying it over and over again. I've come to realise that while I did appreciate the company and cuddles etc the one thing I almost totally lost sight of was myself. I admit I did bend over backwards on a few occasions for my ex...but then no more than what one person would to another who they loved. Now is the time to think about you...and you alone. Their life will move on so now yours has to! Don't cling onto the fact that things 'might change and they'll come running back to you'...as believe me...there are other things that need your attention in your life right now. At the risk of chucking yet another cliché into the mill....there are others out there, and I've always believed that there's someone out there for everyone. That's been proved to me on a couple of occasions, so I have faith in it.
In the past few days I've done a lot of soul searching and found that there was really no point of pursuing someone who didn't want me, and therefore why lose the dignity that I have left to do that. This isn't the first time I've been dumped and I doubt it will ever be the last. That's no reason however to confine yourself into solitude and rid yourself of any chance in the future of embarking on another relationship. I guess I was lucky in a way to discover where it was that I went wrong, and so not only do I now have the change something in me...but ultimately I know not to make the same mistakes again. Those who think that a person can't change...I'd say bollocks to them. Granted you can't change something you haven't admitted to yourself, but for those with the strength to do so...you're the only person who can change that. If you can do that, and want to make relationships better, then you can change. The people who don't believe you can only hold you back in applying this change!
I for one believe that I can do a lot better in relationships. In my previous relationship what I have learned is to manage my stress levels more, especially when work contributes to it. I used to have the practice where I would leave my working life at work...and pick up my personal life on the other side of the swinging doors. While I admit I did lose sight of what once used to be a habit...I need to adopt it again.. I suffer from migraines, and was taking medication for this which lead to more frustration and anger as a side effect. The way to remedy this is to go on a different set of tablets so this will soon become better managed too. As you can see...with the time taken to think about what direction my life is going in..I can now focus on the positives to get my life back into action...and not to make the same mistakes in another relationship.
The thing to remember here is that I've come through all of this in my own time. No-one gave me a deadline or timescale as to when to have drawn my conclusions...I just did it when I was ready. I know you will be able too...when you're ready. I once thought a breakup was the end of my world, but then I remembered that the globe still keeps on spinning.
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